A Reflection

After the longest and most extravagant birthday celebration ever, I’m sitting down to reflect.

I’m 30!!!!!!!

I soaked up all the love at my birthday party, and will be replaying it in my mind forever. I love you all SO much and you really know how to make an old man feel special. Then (naturally) I went to Orlando to visit Disney World and Epic Universe!! Devin and I had such a lovely time (as you can see in my “drinking around the world” video). Being there with him felt extremely safe, bittersweet, and magical. Last night I saw LORDE with Brooke (our third Lorde show together), and we thrashed around, sweat, and sang along all night. It was sick.

That all being said, I find myself feeling extremely lost, directionless, and lethargic. I have absolutely no idea what I want, who I want to be, or where my life from now is heading. This doesn’t scare me or bring me down, but I wanted this age milestone to mean something. There are specific personal goals I’d like to accomplish, but the larger pieces of the puzzle haven’t been found yet. I’m still living with a broken heart, which can make motivation extremely fleeting. I’ve been way more functional and participatory, but the ache is still there. I’m learning how to wear it as a badge of honor and courage rather than as a wound. There is no shame in loving someone, but I have to continue to do what’s best for me and pour that love back into myself. (Not too much on him, either. He’s a good guy and I will ride or die for him, just not to my own detriment).

I’m letting myself celebrate small wins right now. I made turning 30 a big “I’m changing my life after!” thing, which is great, but it can’t happen overnight. My health is my current priority- mental, physical, spiritual. I took a walk today, I took a long bath, I texted with some friends. Those are my accomplishments today, and I’m going to treat myself by not drinking tonight at Bingo. I’m learning more ways to calm my nervous system, to let myself be anxious without numbing, and to be more still. I haven’t quite mastered it yet, but I’m taking note.

I want this to be my best decade yet. I want to reach new career heights, I want to be in the best shape I’ve ever been, I want to get married, I want to travel, I want to look back and feel proud of myself. The tricky thing about manifesting is living/feeling like you already “have” it. I’m training my mind to operate not from a place of “want,” but from a place of attraction. After all, what I already DO have is enough to keep me happy for many lifetimes. Shifting this perspective and holding to it will be a major key in my growth and transformation. I’m learning to be more selfish. Not unkind or greedy, but putting myself first. Asking myself “what do I want to do?” instead of trying to appease or to avoid conflict. I will no longer accept anything that does not serve me- of course, there are unpleasant things in life that we must face, but you get the idea.

The other day, my therapist said to me: “So many things you said today really inspired me. When you say things like that, do you know they’re inspiring?” I said “yes, I do.” I’m allowing myself to own my emotional intelligence, my way with words, and my sensitive heart. I try to be humble and I often fear that I make everything about me, but there can be a balance of being proud to walk in my own shoes and not acting narcissistic. I have a gift, and writing is the greatest love of my life. I look forward to sharing more work and thoughts with you all for the rest of my life.

Be kind, make your bed, wash behind your ears, and tell people you love them.

♡, Bobby G