Goodbye forever, 2025!

I write this from a place of exhaustion, gratitude, sadness, confusion, hopefulness, and rawness. 2025 was extremely formative. It's conflicting being a writer- on one hand, I want to be as vulnerable and open as I can. This is my outlet, and I will never shy away from expressing my feelings. On the other hand, I have learned to keep certain aspects of my life private and wish to maintain a level of sacredness regarding my personal life. That being said, I'm going to be transparent because I'm writing this as a service to myself. I have a lot to process and I hope through this post, I can calm my nervous system, recognize that perspective is king, and that silver linings are everywhere.

In February of this year- the day after Valentine's Day- my boyfriend and I broke up. More specifically, he broke up with me. This was not the first time we had broken up. Out of respect for our relationship, I will not get into the specifics. But I will say that there were issues that we did not work through, and thus they kept repeating. It came to a boiling point, and he ended it. If you know me, you know that I was raised by parents who have been in love since high school. I was/am extremely lucky to grow up witnessing what unconditional, patient, kind love is. It took my last therapist, Rachel, to assure me that prioritizing having a life partner was not something to be ashamed of. I want someone to grow old with. I want an extremely traditional, monogamous, sappy, safe relationship. This is important to me, and I have absolutely no doubt that I will find that.

Both the relationship and the breakup exacerbated underlying issues that I've struggled with for a long time. The relationship revealed many unhealed traumas, fears and anxieties from my past. My first "serious" (or "intense") relationship in my late teens traumatized me. He cheated constantly, he exposed me to the frivolous and deviant sides of sex/relationships, and I spent years healing from it. Until I got into this past relationship, I did not realize that i had only healed from the pain of it- not the triggers. Things like Snapchat trigger me. My boyfriend innocently calling another guy cute triggers me. Not getting an immediate text back triggers me. This was a horrible match for someone who uses Snapchat, who never quite empathized or understood my anxieties, and quite frankly made them worse. He did not cheat on me, for the record. But I did not trust him, and he didn't do anything to reassure me.

Another major issue is my relationship with alcohol. I've spoken candidly about this before, but it is a struggle for me. I work in entertainment so I have easy access to booze all the time. I have a hard time saying "no." Our schedules insured that I only saw him on the weekends, and we drank. A lot. And we fought. A lot. This past January, we did "Dry January" and we didn't have a single argument. But he wanted to unwind on the weekends (rightfully so), and I was drinking any chance I got. Another recipe for disaster. The breakup caused me to personally dive deeper into alcoholism. I was numbing. Anyone who has faced something similar knows that it's a vicious cycle... Numbing the pain with something that ultimately causes depression to be much worse. I spent this entire year (up until November-ish) absolutely depressed. I was functioning (though not to my standard), but there were many times I wanted to disappear. I have never truly been su*cidal, but I wanted to be far away from any person or obligation in my life.

Meanwhile, it was not a clean breakup. We have probably only ever gone a month-ish without seeing each other. Sometimes I wish I would have let it be a clean break, but only because I think that would've created a better dynamic for us coming back together. Have you ever continued seeing someone who was only half in? Who was unwilling to commit, but still claimed to love you? Who you saw constantly, but then would disappear? This kept me stuck in a loop of highs and lows that we both desperately needed to outgrow. I want to take this moment to be very clear about something- I am no angel. I am not some submissive, heartbroken, kind, patient person. Just because I have outwardly had a tougher time with this does not mean that I didn't slap him in the face on multiple occasions (yes, while wasted). This doesn't mean I was a decent or even respectable version of myself.

As you can imagine, this affected every aspect of my life. If ANYONE ever tried to give me advice, or to encourage me to walk away from him, I was nasty to them. I was defensive. I recoiled and became somewhat of a recluse. I sincerely would sit in my apartment drinking, waiting for him to reach out. I made zero effort to be a friend, to see my friends, to check in on them. And to be completely honest, I didn't care. There was a long period that I did not care if I had any friends. In fact, I wished I didn't. It felt like an obligation that I did not want to fulfill- I know now that it wasn't that I didn't care, it's that I COULDN'T. I was a shell of myself. Luckily, the people I have in my life are better than I could ever wish for on every shooting star. Yes, there were arguments and disagreements, but I am so lucky and grateful that once I stopped shutting down, was able to be truthful and to TRY, I still have an amazing circle. I had to unlearn the resentment that I felt from the various ways people expressed their wanting the best for me. I had to learn that I can ultimately make my own decisions, but that does not mean I can be a bad friend.

Additionally, I was just getting through the work days. I had absolutely zero interest in an industry that I am passionate about. All I wanted to do was to get home, open a seltzer, and talk to ChatGPT or my Notes app. I don't even remember most of this year. I was writing, but that was the extent of utilizing my creativity or my skills. I had zero passion for anything except the relationship. Later in the year, my company did nation-wide layoffs. This not only meant that very close colleagues and friends of mine were all of a sudden gone, but that I had to take on quadruple the workload. I wanted to quit.

In the midst of all of this suffering were extremely beautiful and monumental moments. Three of my best friends (one being my sister) got married this year. These were stunning, wholesome, extraordinary moments- and yet, I felt envious. "Why can't I have that? Let me get through the day." Luckily, when the time came for each of them, I was able to be present and joyful and was able to truly celebrate my loved ones. I turned 30 this year and had a hell of a party. I went to Disney World with my ex and despite some hiccups, we had a beautiful time. I got myself a tattoo. I bought myself a Tiffany bracelet. I bucked up and handled my work shit.

I can't pinpoint an exact moment or time that things started to get better. It certainly wasn't before Halloween- that was miserable for me. It must've been November. I started feeling more confident. I was seeing friends more. I was diving into creative projects ("Charming," my album, coming soon by the way!). I found a new therapist who fucking rocks. I was/am still seeing my ex, but nothing that happens between us has truly affected me for more than an evening. I am extremely self-assured, confident, alive again, and ready to face the next chapter. I feel strong. I feel empowered. I feel inspired.

2026 is going to be the year when I truly come into myself. I want to lean fully into my creative side that I generally write off as a hobby. I want to insert myself as the talented, well-spoken, funny, kind, intelligent person that I am. I am no longer selling myself short. I am going to create, explore, find successes in various avenues, prioritize my physical and mental health, and come back with a soft but relentless vengeance. I am a poet. I am a radio talent. I am a songwriter/producer. I am an athlete. I am still in love. I am a DJ. I am an emcee. I am a friend. And I am about to experience what it looks like to harness these talents and to see the payoff. I am so lucky and privileged and grateful, but that doesn't mean I am not going to flex every ounce of power and skill that I have. It's my year, so watch out.

xo, BG